Friday, March 31, 2006
3 personalities. i have three. this one showcasts the second one; what i think im showing, and the first one, what i am inside (well almost). no one can ever have a real idea of what they appear to others, no one can. we can improve ourselves, reflecting and all, but we have to see ourselves from a different angle as well. the way that others want you to improve yourself.
i have no idea what others view me as, i don't know that personality of me. i don't know 2 personalities of me. the 1st and 3rd. i don't know what i am inside.
do guys view me as flirtatious? do girls see me as a popular boastful person? i think i know that im seen as an unimportant slacker. my group members never give me chances to show that im capable of doing a solid piece of work. everything i do is always "nice". whatever i can't do is just "me", there's never anything further than that.
i was very extrememely pissed at shuyi yesterday, she was
sleeping when she was supposed to send me the information. she was late. she was supposed to send it to me by wednesday, but
nooo she says she'll send it to me by 9pm. and? she was sleeping. i got the things at 10. i opened the file: 7 PAGES OF WORDS. no pics, no cover page, size pint 10. "PUT IT INTO THE BROCHURE FORM!" HOW LA? stupid, haven't you seen a freakin brochure before? it fits into ONE PIECE OF PAPER. she didn't summarise it! she didn't do her job! she sends it to me and somehow, by magic, POOF! a perfect brochure will appear. HECK. i didn't even have pictures!
so i slept at 1, hardly making it look like a brochure. BLAME ME.
is my time worth less than yours? is my sleep nothing to you? ARE YOU THE ONLY FREAKIN PERSON IN THE WORLD? do i not mean anything? do i not mean anything?
do i? maybe i am worth nothing to you. maybe im not worth anything to anyone. maybe im just an extra person in the world, to make the world look more full. maybe. so what do i do? im not comforted by God's Word now, they seem so hollow. im singing all these songs, but not meaning them. it's a empty. im empty, im going to the grey area. and im afraid.
i don't want to go back there. i don't want to go there. i can't face another one again. i can't. i need help. so im sending an SOS now, but since i probably don't mean a thing, forget it. forget i even asked.
i feel.. i feel like im choking, drowning, chained up by the neck, restricted. im drowning in grey water, the waters that im afraid of. it's hard to think that this is actually good now.
im afraid.
i made it known at 10:40 PM
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